story by Frank Hughes
It all start’d out as your run of the mill regular ol summer day. I had just turn’d sixteen and after 3 or 5 tries … managed to get me a bonified autymobill driv’n license! And right here and now I want to say I’m real sorry! That poor hideaway patrolman deserved better … he was only doin his job. It just so happen’d that his job that day was giv’n some fool idiot of a youngun a driver’s test! I figger after he got thru with me and had him a handful of aspirins or two, wash’d down with a jar of corn lick’r … well he’d be fine and dandy. But I have ta tell ya right now I never know’d a full grown poliseman could cry so loud! And I know’d for sure he weren’t no Baptist. Baptist just don’t cuss like that! Leastways … not in front of a grow’n up fine look’n young fella like me!
Well, just like in school I managed ta scrape by … but ta this day I don’t know why as I was driv’n away he holler’d at me … Pleaseeee! Don’t be doin no driv’n anywheres near Broken Arrow!!! Anyhows I’m ready for the road! Now my Momma had been tell’n me for years about the dangers of that there Devils Brew. But Momma’s just don’t know that sixteen year ol fellas is plum deaf … when their Momma says somethin important!
My daddy has already told me I could have his car for the firstest time tonight. He sure did give me a strange look though … I figger’d he was just so proud ta have me driv’n the streets of America! Daddy had himself a real fine car too. A good look’n 1960 Ford Falcon, black and white. I wish’d it had a big ol V8 under the hood but that little bitty 6 cylinder would do just fine. Daddy was real proud of that Ford … it weren’t near wore out like most of his earlier cars. My older sister Freda had manag’d ta break it in already for Daddy…but that’s another story, and a goodun! But I won’t get inta that right now…(Freda bakes me a real good pie ever so often and I want ta keep on her good side)!
Anyhows I take a good bath and put on some smell’n stuff and off I goes. Two dollars in gas ought ta get me half way across the state. Gas has gone up ta 22 cents a gallon!!!! I’m driv’n thru our little town feel’n read good. The Philco radio in the car is blast’n out a real good Beetles tune and I’m shift’n that transymission like Cale Yardburrow. Thens when my trouble start’d … I got ta think’n! I figger’d I’d really look good if’n I head’d over ta Jays Café in Kiefer and got me a little bit of that there devils brew Momma was always warn’n me about. So’s off I go lickity split…or as lickity split as a six cylinder Ford Falcon could go!
Now Jays Café weren’t really no café like most regular folks think of one. I know I never ate noth’n in the joint. There was a couple of pool tables in the back and the main item on the menu was Coors! I guess if’n ya got right down to it, Pickl’d Pigs Feet and Boil’d Eggs is in one of them food groups. I was a long and lanky fella and Jay never ask’d no questions about my age. All they want’d ta know about a fella was … Buddy, ya got enough money ta pay for that beer?
As I was head’n out the back door … more of that there trouble enter’d my poor life. I hears this voice holler’n out my name. I turns around and there sitt’n on one of them barstools is an ol friend of mine. I’ll just call her Big Mo! She’s just tickled ta death ta see me she says. But later on I think it was the sight of that devils brew I was carry’n that she was tickled ta see! We gets ta talk’n and before I could get my head right … Big Mo up and tells me she’s goin with me! Heckfire! What was I goin ta do. Momma always taught me ta be real nice to the ladies. So Big Mo stumbles off the stool and off we go. I figger’d Big Mo had been there at Jays for a spell, cause normally most folks just don’t wobble like that when theys try’n ta walk! Man I figger I got it made … my first night out and I not only got me some of that devils brew, but a full grown big woman ta go with it!
Big Mo and I head out for the hills … or in this case creek. Me and Big Mo is driv’n down this here gravel road west of Kiefer and hav’n a grand time. Finally I figger’d I’d pull off the road and try me out some of that brew. We was in the middle of nowhere … I found out later. Me and Big Mo gets out and starts ta sampl’n some of the brew. I turn the Philco radio up real loud and that’s when Big Mo decides ta do some danc’n. Now it’s funny … the more of that brew I drunk, well the better Big Mo look’d danc’n!!! I ain’t say’n Big Mo was a little bit heavy, my Momma would say she was healthy look’n … !!!! So I figger’d if ya look’d at her like Momma … Big Mo was about the healthyest look’n woman in Creek County!! I can barely remember now but I think we was listen’n to some song by Hermans Varmits. I never know’d a woman had so many body parts that would move at the same time!!! Big Mo was a sight ta behold!
But all good things must end … somebody real smart said that. Big Mo got sick! Now I had seen plenty of sick folks in my life, but I never seen no lady thatttttt sick. I figger’d if she kept it up … before long she’d throw up her pantyhose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was time ta go. I get Big Mo load’d up and start the Falcon, put it in reverse and let out on the clutch … NOTH’N … ! The dew had fell whiles we was party’n … and the tall grass I had parked on was wet and I couldn’t get no traction. And ta top it off I had manag’d ta park on the downside of a slope. The Falcon was point’n downhill just a mite. But beins how I was so smart … I figger’d out real quick like what we need’d ta do. I tell Big Mo ta slide over behind the wheel … I’m gonna get in front of the car and push while Big Mo drives the car in reverse up the hill.
I put the emergency brake on and tell Big Mo ta let the brake off and give it the gas when I hollers!!! I goes ta the front of the car and gets ready. I start push’n and holler’n at Big Mo ta let off the brake and give it the gas! Now right here and now ya got ta understand somethin … I’m expect’n a drunk woman who just got thru throw’n up her pantyhose ta drive my Daddys car up this here hill while another drunk is shov’n on the front bumper!!!! Big Mo lets off the brake and guns the motor … the Falcon moves! But … the wrong way!! I’m push’n for all I got and the car is start’n ta move towards me! I holler some more at Big Mo … She is gett’n excited and ain’t think’n too good. Big Mo shoves the clutch back in and lets off the gas. Now I got the full weight of a 1960 Ford Falcon on meeeeee!
And ta top it off the car is speed’n up goin downhill. I push’d for all I had … but it weren’t no use. Finally I had to jump out of way … just ta keep from gett’n run over by Big Mo in a runaway Ford. I’m now lay’n on the wet ground watch’n my Daddys Ford Falcon goin out of sight down this here hill. That’s when I heard the first blood curddl’n scream! And I’m here ta tell ya … Big Mo I found out can holler and scream with the best of em! Then…..I hear the KERR-SPLASH!!!!! And as loud as Big Mo was holler’n … she managed ta pick it up a notch! I start down the hill and it’s really gett’n steep. I see somethin shiney! It’s the rear bumper of the Ford Falcon. It’s so dark I can’t see the rest of the car … but really it wouldn’t have made any difference. The front part of the Falcon up to the front seat was under water in Polecat Creek!!!
Big Mo is hav’n some kind of attack … she’s stopp’d scream’n and holler’n. She’s just moan’n and talk’n ta herself. I pile into the creek and fish Big Mo out of the Falcon. Big Mo seems to be upset!!!! I do think the little ride down the hill sober’d her up some. She’s cuss’n me real good … like it’s all my fault! I manag’d ta get her up the mountain side.
We take off walk’n and after it seems like forever … we see this here farmhouse. Up the drive we go … but like most farms around home there’s a dog or six lay’n around the place. Here theys come … Big Mo is scream’n agin and runn’n for her life! I feel real bad for her, a big woman like Mo ain’t built for speed! But I did manage ta beat most of the dogs off her. Finally, after another forever we find a farm that only had a couple of dogs and I manag’d ta fight them off Big Mo! Her scream’n brings out the folks … Big Mo is cry’n purty bad and tell’n the folks that I brought her out here and won’t take her home!
Big Mo was a sight … mud from head ta toe. Her makeup was runn’n down around her armpits by now. The folks tell Big Mo they’ll take her home … they is look’n at me like my head is on backwards or somethin! They let me use their tellyphone and I calls this here lady friend of mine … she know me real good, so somethin like this don’t surprise her none! It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and I got ta go wake up my Daddy and tell him I put his 1960 Ford Falcon in the middle of Polecat Creek!!!!
I knock on Daddys door and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is … What did ya do to my car? He must know me purty good! Folks, what could I do???? So I start’d ly’n! I told him I was cat fish’n and his car for some ungodly reason end’d up in Polecat Creek. He looks at me like I was some kind of alien thing from out’r space. I told him I had already got someone ta pull it out of the water. The lady friend of mine I was tell’n ya about … her husband had a ginpole truck with a big ol heavy duty winch that he uses in the oil patch. We manage ta winch the Ford up onto the road. I look and creek water is runn’n out of the doors! I didn’t look real close … I was afraid a catfish or crawdad would come wash’n out, along with a beer can or twelve! My Daddy is cuss’n and talk’n kinda queer like. I ain’t say’n noth’n!
When we gets home … the first thing I do is go find Daddys rifle gun and hide it! I figger’d I had a chance of out runn’n Daddy … but I knew for sure I wasn’t gonna outrun no bullet. We ended up hav’n to rebuild the motor in the Falcon. I never ask’d to drive his Falcon agin. I figger’d I’d better let sleep’n dogs lie!
But I learnt me some real good lessons from this adventure. Stay away from Jays Café (for a whiles anyway), muddy women ain’t got no sense of humor and FORDS DON”T FLOAT!!!!! To this day I ain’t never seen Big Mo agin … But I’m here ta tell ya. That Big Woman could dance!!!!!!
originally posted on Frank’s Facebook Notes November 15, 2011
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