Ants, 2010

Your advance scouts come by the ones and twos out of the bathroom sink, and find nothing. A cup of hot water sends you sluicing back down past your Supreme Commander. Without waiting for reports of the latest military disaster, he sends more.

I have watched these fruitless efforts patiently. Since there is nothing worth taking in an apartment bathroom, all along I have assumed the main expeditionary force is just awaiting further orders.

When scouts stopped appearing in the bathroom sink, they started appearing instead on my nice clean kitchen counter. Would you have me believe you cannot field an attack on two fronts at once? There is nothing for ants there either. A kitchen sponge and detergent easily wipes the battlefield clean.

But an attack on the food supply is a threat that cannot be tolerated; I set out just one of my stockpile of Grant’s Ant Stakes.

I see a few sickly survivors staggering about aimlessly. Where is the main invading force?

When Sultan Suleiman The Great finally conquered a vastly outnumbered garrison in a magnificently fortified but lightly defended castle, it is said that Suleiman boasted to the vanquished survivors that he sacrified over 100,000 of his 250,000 soldiers to take this prize, and would have been happy to sacrifice 100,000 more.

I believe this was the great 1521 Siege of Belgrade. Some reports state that the fortress was initially defended by a garrison of 700. There is only one of me. Kindly send me more ants.

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1 thought on “Ants, 2010

  1. Just a followup for you, on my recent “Ants” post. “Supreme Commander” or “Dear Leader” (or whatever honorific comrade ants are forced to call him) fell for my obvious taunt. The following day, “Leader” attacked once more, this time on two fronts at once, sending a platoon or so to the bathroom sink, and almost a whole company of hapless troops to the kitchen counter.

    It would be great if each of us could be assigned our own personal TSA agent, the better to pat invaders down invasively. Lacking any government intervention on behalf of my own household security issues, I resorted to a short preventative blast of ant spray. This seems to have triggered some kind of instability in their form of government, and I have seen no new ants in several days.

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