Musical Clowns

Near our community’s Eden Hospital, we’ve acquired a number of ambulance drivers who’ve learned to toggle their electronic sirens to produce quasi-musical noises. Instead of the full ear-splitting 102 decibel ambulence siren shriek, these clowns can produce half-note bursts of varying frequencies. The resulting “woo-woo-wip” noise is fully as annoying as the unadulterated original, if not quite as loud, so it all balances out on the community disturbance scale.

None of these toggle-switch artists have any musical talent, so it’s very reminiscent of the college frat-house stunt where they would record the sounds of flatulence, splicing them together at varying pitches. The resulting strains of “Yankee Doodle” or “Chopsticks” were said to be highly amusing, and we can only suppose that the best of these kids went on in life to become ambulance chasers, and the ones who didn’t make it could still become ambulance drivers, thereby continuing to vent their college antics upon the unsuspecting public.

On the theory that a little competition brings out the best – or worst – in the musically disinclined, I’m proposing 2008 playoffs between the ambulance drivers and the Castro Valley fire department, who do not fiddle with their sirens, but who do produce excellent midrange and bass notes. In theory, it’s possible they’d collectively be able to produce a plausible “Good Vibrations”, “Alley Oop” or even (who knows) “Tocatta and Fugue in D.”

Add the jackhammers and dump trucks of PG&E and CalTrans, and we could get  Gene Krupa  on steroids.

If if were possible to assemble the whole entourage on the deck of the decommissioned battleship  USS Massachusetts,  with a few salvos of the big 16″ guns, we could get an excellent finale to the 1812 Overture. This piece de resistance, of course, could always be performed at 2AM, the aspiring musician’s finest hour in these parts.

Attendance would be high, with the whole county auditioning – involuntarily. I cannot think of a finer way to bring fame to our sleepy little community.

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