When I’m Emperor, there will be some big changes in the advertising world. Here are the Top Ten rules, designed to cement my standing as Most Popular Tyrant …
- No use of recorded doorbells and ringing telephones is allowed in any ad unless you are selling doorbells or telephones.
- In a given week, only one oriental rug company gets to have a going out of business sale.
- That oriental rug company only gets to go out of business once.
- Car dealers are not allowed to do their own ads.
- If there’s a treatable reason why an ad actor can’t get it up, we don’t need to hear about it.
- Glaucoma is not an acceptable “side effect” of taking a medication for hay fever.
- If we want to know what the phone number is, we only need to hear it once. You do NOT get to rattle it off repeatedly like we are in an auction.
- Broadcasters must not run the same ad more than once in a half hour segment. If it was so bad we didn’t “get it” the first time, our attitude won’t improve the second time.
- Credit card companies that promise you “rewards” for going into debt will be redirected into the sale of oriental rugs instead.
- Advertisers that read “fine print” disclosures at fast-forward speeds shall be fined at not less than normal-speed rates.
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