Notes From Uncle Tubbs

Happy Fourth of July

USS Constitution

July 3

“CHARLEY REESE”

Hey, Nephew, how you been?

Charley Reese is the feller in the paper writes from down Florida way or somethin. He writes this piece, see, no this time it’s not against your gays or basic flag burners, its just for Decency, oh lessee, lemme think …

Oh yeah, Charlie says who the hell does your minority think it’s doin’ tellin’ the majority what to do?

He says SCHOOL PRAYER is free speech so it’s protected, and if you think for a minute Separation Of Church And State means the CONSTITUTION can ban school prayer, well, Charley sez: you’re just plain wrong. Actually, he says, the FIRST AMENDMENT just means the government can’t make its own official religion, he says only the Congress can do that …

I can’t keep track of all them amendments, but it sounds like Charley’s got a hold of the only end of a one-ended stick.

I could be wrong here, but sounds to me like free speech for Charley is when you get to say something ’cause you belong to the right club. I guess censorship is when you go scurryng to your elected officials ’cause you don’t belong to no club at all. There we go again, hiding behind the LAW …

So Charlie writes out of one of them newspaper Syndicates or something like that, and you can look it up yourself. I ain’t documenting nothin’. He didn’t.

July 4

THE MORMONS

The Mormons are your basic kind, hard-working, decent folk kind of like your Amish with a billion-dollar empire and an advertising budget. The Mormons used to hail out of UTAH, and they still ache under your stereotype of dudes who like to have as many wives as they like and won’t you please leave us alone, sir?

Now you can’t hardly turn a round anywhere in the world without there’s a Mormon. The Mormons got mixed up in politics in Hawaii and Alaska because they don’t like gay marriage. Funny, they don’t even like it for Hawaiians and Alaskans.

Well, of course they don’t like gay marriage. They don’t like gays. Come to think of it, they don’t like women and blacks too much, either.

Not that they have anything against your gays and women and blacks as people of course, that’s just what their Church and elders says for them to say. I kind of forget whether the Mormons is one of those outfits that says you can be forgiven your sins, or they’re all for You’re Goin’ Straight To Hell Son.

But I think you can be born wrong, meaning they’re probably a straight to hell type.

So they spend a few million in Hawaii politics and Alasks politics and what do you know, they win.

Now they’re in California teaming up with this Pete Knight fella. Pete don’t like gays, Pete HATES gays. As a matter of fact, this has got to be important to him, ’cause if there weren’t any gays in California to hate, who would need Pete Knight? Pete’s got a lot of rich friends got nothin’ better to do than sit around thinking up ways to hate gays, and they’ve gotta ton of money to burn.

So the Mormons want to, well, they want to invest some of their millions in California Pete politics, too. They didn’t like gay marriage in Hawaii, and they didn’t like it in Alaska, so why would they feel any different about California?

Now, some folks say there’s a law against mixin’ religion and politics which could cause the Mormons to lose their tax-exempt status. The Mormons are against that law. They say, this isn’t politics, this is just your plain basic “morality”.

So, what they’re doing, pardon the expression, is they want to legislate morality instead of religion?

Well, that’s what all those sound-alike groups with “Family” and “Traditional” in their name say too. Who was it, Christian Coalition, they already lost their tax-exempt status for too much politicking? Now there’s a fine how do you do.

I say yank their status. I could be wrong here, but if they get to not pay taxes to introduce these bills, and I got to write a check out of my after-taxes to oppose it, ain’t I payin’ twice for something I didn’t ask for in the first place?

Am I right or what, nephew?

While you’re at it, yank Charley Reese’s too. What the hell. Happy Fourth of July to all them psalm-singin’ sleaze bags, too.

Me and the Little Woman send along our Best. We hung our red-white-and-blue up on the old pole, we’re gonna slap somethin’ on the BBQ, and now maybe I’ll just treat her to a climb up on the roof so we can watch the fireworks. Just like the old days, huh?

You have a Safe and Sound, son, you hear?


Uncle Tubbs

©Alex Forbes, July 4, 1999

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