WalMart Wine


This clever piece arrived without author credits. If you know who wrote it, please let us know so we can give credit, or get permission to use it, or whatever it takes to keep it on this site. As far as I know, Gallo has had no presence in Asti (Napa Valley) in decades, as your average backalley wino has an unmarketable discomfiture for upscale ambience, and there are no redwoods in Modesto:

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item-Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart
Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante

Gallo has certainly made its mark by destroying the natural environment for the construction of industrial vineyards and wine factories in Sonoma County. After witnessing the conversion of redwood forests and oak woodlands to industrial vineyards, massive erosion from removal of entire mountains and siltation of pristine salmon spawning steams from Gallo's gigantic earthmoving equipment concerned neighbors have suggested the following names:
Butcher the Redwoodsfindel
Fishkill red
Dead Mountain Burgundy
Pinot Sewerwater Noir
Wrath of grape Merlot
Grape Rape Zin
Barren Hills Rose
Exterminate Wildlife Chard

 


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