Decoded Diary . . .


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Alas, there is no more...


Return to HUMOR Index
The 100 MPH Goat
12 Apostles
21st Century Words
400 Trillion Trillion Pints of Beer
6th Grade Science
Age Barometer
Air Force Squawk Sheets
Alcohol WARNINGS
Amazing new discovery
Another Attorney Joke
Arthritis
Aviation Humor
Badtimes Virus
Bagpiper
Bagpipes
Bar Shorts
Bear and Pastor
Beer Festival
Beer and Flies
Richard's Believe it or not!
Best Diet
Bigger Guns
Biggest State!
Bill Clinton and St. Peter
1994's Most Bizarre Suicide
Fixin' To Sing The Blues
Boat Race
Bricklayer's Story
British newspapers
Bulwar-Lytton
By The Numbers
Cat Diary
Catholic School
Cats Top Ten
Chattanooga Choo Choo - NEW!
Cheerios
Chicken
Church
Church Memorial Plaque
Worst Commencement Advice
Corporate Compliance
Computer Haiku
Confessional
Congressman
Copy
Cow Strikes Trawler
Cowboy Jim
Crow Mystery Solved - NEW!
Cute Spell Checker
Candidate for Darwin Award...
Dead Horse
Defendant's Arm
Depressed At Sea
Desiderata 2000
Dot Com REAL Story
Drunk Driver
Ducks
Elevator God
Engineer BBQ’s
Engineer "Takes"
Engineers....
Engineers vs. Business Executives....
Exit Poll
Facts You Might Remember
Fargo
Fear of Flying - NEW!
Feeling Old Today?
Fish Story
Fishin' License
Fishing Tackle
Forklift
Fraud Warning (Humor)
Funeral
Gendarme
God vs. Satan
Gogh Family
Golf
Hawaiian Rules
Head of Lettuce
Headlines
Heaven or Hell?
Helicopter
History of Balls
Hokey Pokey
Hole He Goes - Mondegreen
"Homosexual Agenda"
How Fights Start
Hypnotist - NEW!
I Took a Cab Home
If God Had a PC...
When Insults Had Class
Interview
Intro
Iraqi TV Guide
It's Elementary
Junk Mail Ideas
Kids on Life
Kids On Marriage
Laws - Origin
20 Laws of Life
Life in Silicon Valley
Life in Vermont
Liquor Warning Labels
Little Bars of Soap
Love and Marriage
Lying
MIT Student
Marketing
Marooned
Mens' Classes
Met Any of These People?
How I Met My Wife
Microserf
Microsoft
Military Specs
Mixed Breeds
Mom
Morons Among Us - NEW!
Moses and Jesus
Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky
Newsgroup Personalities
Next Witness!
Notable Bungles
Office Affair
Office Comebacks
Old is When ...
Old Timers Poem
Packages
Parrot and Chicken
Password Protection
Peace Talks
Perl in Latin
Phone Lines
Physician Statistics
Picture Without Words
Political Correctness
Prepared Chicken
Priest and Rabbi
Programmer and Engineer
Psychic Dog
Rabbi Advice
Rabbi's Advice
Raiders Fan
Rigged Survey
Rudolph
Seaman
Seattle Symphony
Senior Life
Senior Moment
Shy Guy
Singles Ad
Snippets - by Ed Lockhart
Son In Law
Southwest Airlines
Speeding Chicken
Spring Hiker's Alert
Talking Dog
Talking Frog
Talking Parrot
Texas Engineer
Thank You for Contacting Us
Then and Now...
Three Beers
Toasters
Tomato Garden
Tombstones
Traffic Stop
Trojan Hoax
Trucker
Two Nuns
Veni, Vidi, Velcro
Very Short Story
WWJD
WalMart Wine
Where to Retire
Things I Wish I'd Known
Women of Kabul
World War
Y2K Backup System
Yesterday
Zen Master
bin Sleepin